Sun Plays Peekaboo

I saw this beautiful sunrise recently and it was like I could breathe again. Like my heart was swelling in my chest and I was happy to be alive and everything was going to be alright. I went out and stood stock still in the sunlight for ten whole minutes.

You might think this is an odd reaction. You might think "It's just the sun!".

But I live in Sweden and it's winter. Although there is light here in Gothenburg, there can be days of what I call 'Gothenburg grey' when it's cloudy and gloomy from morning till sunset (which is about 3pm).

Clear sunny days feel like a blessing sent from above. Like your soul is coming out from hibernation. It's hard to explain. This country's mood is largely decided by the seasons. Light and the return of summer after winter's murk is a prevalent theme in Swedish folk and church music. You can understand why Midsummer is still celebrated here — I can't imagine anything else more worthy of celebration! People take weeks of holiday at summertime to soak up the sun. It's just common sense!

I used to think that taking all your holiday in summer was a waste.  How little I understood!  Summer is the time Swedes recharge their batteries. You gotta crack open the solar panel of your soul and load up on those rays, man!

And if that sounds too hippy for you then I don't care! The sun's coming back, baby!

Swedish Channel Goes High-Brow Bonkers?

All Swedish TV channel SVT seems to show these days are classical music performances, opera and Antiques Roadshow. SVT seems to be forcing high-brow culture down our throats. 

Are they trying to 'civilise' the population by sheer force of will or something? 

Are their offices filled with chandeliers and ladies in ball gowns and old men in smoking jackets with whiskers talking about how they're going to 'educate the rabble' while classical pianists tickle the ivories of old grand pianos? 

Who knows? 

All I know is that I wouldn't mind watching something else now and again!

Sex and Private Body Parts

"Wow that wine is dry! Reminds me of my nether regions!"

This humorous line from a Swedish Vagifem advert is indicative of the no-nonsense approach Swedes have when discussing sex and genitals! Of course, removing the 'embarrassment factor' from such situations is perfectly logical. Problems can be discussed, prevented and solved without stigma or shame. In the Vagifem advert, the Swedes openly discuss the woman's problem at the dinner table and find the perfect solution (which is of course — Vagifem!). 

Obviously this advert is a joke, but Swedes really are very open about these things! I feel I am positively 'Victorian' by comparison. They simply have a matter-of-fact approach to it all, which for them is perfectly normal. But for me it can be a little uncomfortable!

Here they simply 'call a spade a spade'! Or in this case... 

Culture Shock

I think most English-speaking immigrants in Sweden fall into two categories:

1. Those who live in a monolingual bubble

2. Those who engage and learn about the language and culture

I am in the second category, but I am starting to take a more charitable view of the first category. The first category may find it easier to retain their confidence and sense of self. They are securely 'grounded' by holding fast to the language they've always spoken: English. It feels safer to stick to what you know. It's less confusing.

I am learning all the time, yet I am in a constant state of confusion and flux. I don't know anything for sure. The ground under my feet is constantly shifting. Once you speak Swedish and start engaging, you quickly discover how little you know or understand, both about the language and the culture. You're in constant overload. 

But the first category only get the 'tourist' version of Sweden. They can't read or discuss in Swedish, so they are always distanced. They force the international language onto the Swedes, and in response the Swedes become the 'international' version of themselves. The worldly, English-speaking version. The local cultural dialogue cannot take root in these conditions. It is not an equal exchange.

This week I have been tempted just to give up. The Winter darkness is wearing me down and I want comfort. Security. Ease. And as I struggle I sometimes feel like my head is going to explode.

But that is the price you pay to deal with Swedes on their own level. And when they see you trying, they let you in. 

I'll probably feel better about it all when the Spring comes!

The Redneck/Shakepeare Spectrum

One mental mindset I have developed to help me understand Swedish grammar is what I call "The Redneck/Shakespeare Spectrum".

When you say "those __" it sounds redneck. If you want to say "those beer bottles" it's "de där öl-flaskorna!" which literally means "them there beer bottles!". Yah Boigh! 

But the word order used when asking questions and fronting adverbials somehow smacks of the Bard. For instance, "Vad har ni för bilar?" literally means "What have you for cars?" (ie. "What cars do you have?").

Hell yeah boigh, them there bars look gooood! Go we now, my good fellows?     

Embarrassing Confusion

Some words sound very alike in Swedish. And getting them wrong can be pretty embarrassing! 

I have a particular problem with pronouncing "Jew" and "sound". This can lead to such embarrassing constructions as "What was that loud Jew?" and "That was a really weird Jew!"

I also mix up "vile" and "eager" which is even worse: "Wow, he was vile!", "I am really vile when it comes to this project", "There's nothing wrong with being vile!", "Don't be so vile, just be yourself!"

Expats Missing Stuff: Decaf

What the hell is wrong with you Sweden? Alcohol-free beer at every turn; but when it comes to decaf beverages, nothing!

In Sweden decaf is viewed as being just as pointless as alcohol-free beer in the UK. So naturally decaf is denigrated and caffeine is king. It's like being a vegetarian in Texas at an annual steak grilling event. "What you say boigh? You wants WHAT!? GET ON OUTTA HERE!"

OK, slight exaggeration. But it's bloody annoying! I can only buy decaf tea from an English import shop. Condeco only serve one decaf coffee: a too-milky latte. In all coffee places in sweden 'real' coffee drinkers get infinite refills. But for decaf drinkers like me it's a one cup deal.

I'm highly aware that this is an extremely middle class problem. That doesn't stop me being pissed off.

I knew I would miss some things from the UK, but I never expected it to be this! Pubs and cheap beer, yes. But unbelievably I've found those.

Lack of a product is something expats always complain about. I used to think that was stupid and sentimental. But the availability of products in different countries indicates different values and needs. The scarcity of a once valued product is somehow destabilising and alienating. What was comfortable and part-of-the-furniture has simply disappeared. 

You simply took it for granted before. But now it's gone. And that really pisses you off!

Stranger in Sweden

It's funny. 

I don't feel like a stranger when I walk around and hear people speaking Swedish in the street. I know enough of the lingo now!

What makes me feel like a stranger? When I'm watching a Swedish TV show and I don't recognise a single celebrity or well-known song but everyone around me does!

And then it hits me: I don't know anything here! Where the HELL am I??!!!!

I haven't been here long. The past events and experiences that form the kernel of Swedish cultural knowledge were quite literally 'before my time'. I simply wasn't there. 

It's a black hole. 

A blind spot.

As a result there will always be jokes that I will never be 'in on' and there will always be nostalgic 'remember-when' conversations to which I cannot partake.

It's a rather isolating experience.  

It's true that I can never be a part of what came before. But I can be a part of what happens from now on! And that is an encouraging thought.

Vestiges of Colonialism: English Speakers in Sweden

Swedish is not a hard language for English people to learn. Despite this, many long-term English ex-pats continue to claim cultural dominance over Swedes by forcing them to speak English.

Swedes are often eager to demonstrate that they are part of the wider global community by speaking English. When they meet an English person they switch to English to show their politeness and proficiency. The English person blithely accepts this gift of humility as their due, content that another Swede has made things easier for them - 'They all speak English don't they, it's easy for them' - thinks the English person. What they don't realise is that by doing this they are actually being incredibly rude. They are not reciprocating the consideration the Swede is giving them. They are indicating that that they have chosen to live in Sweden but can't be bothered with the language. To me, they are basically saying 'My language is bigger and better than your little language. You can struggle along and talk to me, I'm the important one'. It's a form of cultural domination.

And what many English people here don't realise is that sometimes the Swede is actually struggling to speak English. It is still their second language, after all. Learning a language is not simply a case of 'downloading' information into your brain - it takes time, effort and creativity. Yes they may seem confident, but you might notice that sometimes they say "I'm not sure what the English is, but..." This is your cue to show willing and speak Swedish, you thoughtless English twits! 

So if you've been here ages and have some Swedish in your head, please don't force English upon the Swedes all the time (especially when they're tired!). Open your mouth and try. It will be appreciated, and you won't be doing the cultural equivalent of this:

==========

NOTE: I have used the example of the English in this blog, but it could just as easily be applied to other English-speaking people. I've heard of an Australian who worked here for years who could hardly speak a word of Swedish....

Russia and Swedish TV

Fear of Russian attack is growing on Swedish TV. 

Here is a description of the Swedish TV items I just watched in numerical order:

1. 
A showing of "The Man Who Saved the World" (a biography of a Russian who chose NOT to 'press the button' during a false alarm that caused Russia to believe it was under nuclear attack) 

2. 
Interviews of Russian and American commentators on increased tensions between the USA and Russia due to military proximity in Syria. 

3. 
A news report of increasing militarisation of the Swedish island of Gotland in case of Russian attack. 


At this point I had to stop watching because I was nearing the point of shitting my pants!

The Swedes seem to have a totally different approach to day-time TV compared to that of the British. British day-time TV bores the populace to death with shows on gardening and fixing the house. Swedish day-time TV simply scares the shit out of you!

Perhaps both approaches are methods of forcing the unemployed off their sofas and into jobs. Which begs the question: which is the most effective? I don't know, but at least the British get to wear clean underwear....

=======

ON AN EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY MORE SERIOUS NOTE:

I would like to qualify this humorous article by saying I find the Swedish coverage of Russia extremely interesting. It represents something that is more or less 'shoved under the carpet' by the UK media (who only seem interested in the happenings of their own little island and hardly ever have any decent foreign news on TV..."We have just received a report that Thumper the Rabbit escaped from his owner Jessica Lostapett in Bogna Regis, but the jolly-jumping rogue found his way home in the end!...awwwwwww!")

Superhuman Swedes

There are some superhuman swedes in our gym!!

They're always standing on their heads or crazily suspending themselves from ropes. It's like the 'getting-ready-to-fight' montage scenes in Rocky, but ALL THE TIME! What are they getting ready for? How did Sweden get this level of fitness? Am I in a gym or some film where everyone is training to fight Mr T?

I know it's a massive generalisation, but Swedes just seem to be healthier and stronger than the average UK person. My wife says that the gym instructors just don't compare. I saw one of her BodyPump instructors. She looked like a superhero: there literally wasn't any part of her that wasn't muscle. She probably had muscles in her hair!

OK I'm off to the gym. If I listen to "Eye of the Tiger" on the cross-trainer perhaps I can get into the spirit!!!?? 



  

Beercan Bombast

Ever read the back of a Swedish beer can? Some of the messages sound pretty dramatic to me!

Here is a selection of my favourites (translated by myself, nobody else can take the blame!!!) 

Norrlands Guld

"You would be able to say that it is itself, 
if a beer could be itself"

Mariestads Export

"You are holding Swedish hand-made tradition in your hands"

Pripps Blå

"A beer with traditions
and dreams of the future"

Job Applications: from Rock to Venus de Milo

Applying to jobs in Swedish is HARD (readers, please prepare for another onslaught of ridiculous hyperbole!)

It's like trying to carve a statue with a fork. You hack and scrape and maul the language to carve out some living shape, but it will often remain an inert lump! 

Obviously it's not my first language. 

Equally as obvious is the fact that it never will be...  :-(

However, I have a cunning plan! 

This plan shall send Lady Fluency hitching her skirts and running to my door! This plan shall expunge my meaning-mangling nordic language: my silly-språk!! Like a good monk who wears hair shirts, I've imposed certain restrictions upon myself for my betterment: 

1. ONLY READ  SWEDISH FICTION

The intention was to make Swedish my 'read-a-good-yarn' language. I have to say this is working: I read for fun in Swedish, and because it's fun I keep going! Plus you end up learning vocabulary through context (soooo much better than repeating words!). However,  I notice that I get bloody tired... 

2.  WRITE SWEDISH ONLY TO SWEDES ON FACEBOOK

(simple but effective). 

3.  REFUSE TO SPEAK ENGLISH

The Swedes are damn good at speaking English. They try to lead me astray, but they can stuff it. I'M SPEAKING YOUR LANGUAGE YOU BUGGERS, AND NONE OF YOU ARE GOING TO STOP ME...... MOOOOHAHAHAHAH!

Language Confusion!!! Bloody Nouns!!!!!

Hello there campers! I'm back! 

Look at you all, my adoring public! I stand on the podium and raise my fist in the air as an enormous Mexican wave reverberates through a gigantic ocean of people across mountains and nations and continents and colours and creeds to ripple back across the internet and return to the colossus of cultural coordination that is my blog. I take a bow. It's the very least I could do...I'm honored that all 10 of you are so glad to see me! :-)

Since my last post my wife and I have been living in the UK. We then decided it was a bit shit. And moved back. 

I now need to get a job! However, my Swedish has reached an extremely annoying stage of development. I can read novels and history magazines and newspapers. I can even burble about politics and religion. But if I worked in a shop and a stressed customer barked a question at me, I probably wouldn't understand them!

Why? I just don't know all the nouns! 

In a shop it's always:

 "do you have blah?" 

or

"it seems you've run out of blah-broo, but can you fetch some "blagga-boing?". 

In a normal conversation with a friend, I can say "AHA! Is blah the same as blunga-bobbit?" and the meaning is eventually conveyed with much gesturing and description of contexts. 

Needless to say, stressed customers just won't have the patience!

But I think I have a solution: work for a shop that deals in a specific product. So instead of having to learn bloo and bang-bopp and (heaven forbid) Beeboppdaloola, I simply learn different kinds of one product:

blippy.1
blippy.2
blippy.3
and so on......

Well, that's my reckoning anyway...  :-/






  

Trash-mag Language Learning

Why is it easier to learn Swedish from gossip magazines?


Horrifyingly, I am finding that these crap magazines actually hold my interest long enough to look up words and figure out meanings! I seem to actually CARE if certain celebrities are sleeping with/punching/insulting other celebrities!


In my defense, these mags are pretty good for learners. There's lots of pictures that clearly convey the subject of the text. And stupid little text bubbles putting mocking words into celebrities' mouths.


I wouldn't read this in England. Honestly. But here in Sweden it's just language learning material...


Isn't it?!?!

No Need to Emigrate!

Vilhelm Moberg wrote an epic tale called The Emigrants of how Swedes emigrated to America in the mid 1800s.  But would they wish to emigrate to America now. I don't think so. 

Around 1850 Sweden was ruled by an oppressive, inflexible hierarchy. Above all, it was considered vital that the common people obeyed their masters. How else would the order of society be preserved, eh? The servant law was a corker! It stipulated that all servants must remain in their place of service. Servants couldn't even leave their master's grounds without permission. 


Some Swedes dreamt of a place where all workers would be treated equally. In The Emigrants the farmhand Robert dreams about what he hopes to find in America:

"And no false pride existed among Americans; no one was looked down upon or snubbed because he had a dirty or mean employment. All work was considered equally important" 

(Moberg, Vilmhelm. The Emigrants: Book I) 

Is all work considered equally important in today's America?  

Uh...no. Just like the English, the Americans consider occupation the most essential status symbol. Every first conversation includes the inevitable, inescapable question: "So what do you do?" There is a world of meaning in this simple phrase. It could translate as: "Alright. Small-talk's over. Tell me what job you've got so I know your societal status. If it's a shit job I'll proceed to smile condescendingly and say 'that's nice'. If it's a job that's better than mine I'll raise my eyebrows and allow you to lead the conversation, while I listen intently".

Which jobs are considered 'shit jobs'? Here's one:

It seems pretty acceptable to ridicule security guards in the USA!

With Swedish people today it's a different story. Swedes will take most jobs on. There's no obsession with status. They genuinely believe that all work is important. And Swedes don't bring up jobs during a first conversation. What do they talk about, you cry? OTHER STUFF! Hobbies, pets, literature, food...

Yep, there's a whole other world outside what you do for a living...

===========

**NOTE: To be fair, I must mention that there is one job Swedes  don't seem keen on. Cleaning jobs are all done by immigrants in this town. But for the most part Swedes seem prepared to take on a far wider range of jobs...

National Pride: Celebrations and Traditions in Sweden and England

FLAG-FLYING


The most obvious expression of national pride is flying the flag. Swedish houses are traditionally built with flagpoles! Lots of people keep the flag flying all year round. This is perfectly acceptable. Flags are also flown on birthdays and holidays.


In England, flying the English flag is (unfortunately) often seen as a mark of the extreme right. It instantly conjures images of Nazi skinheads and football hooligans. 


CELEBRATION


Swedes love to celebrate and mark occasions. They celebrate something most months of the year and they always know how to make their events feel special. 


Midsummer is one of the most important times of year in Sweden. It celebrates the return of the sun after the dark, cold Winter. At the Midsummer meal everyone sings traditional Swedish songs
from home-made 'song-booklets'. Children dance round the Midsummer maypole. Here it is:

What do the hoops symbolise? Umm....testes, actually. So, moving swiftly on...


During weddings Swedes love to make speeches: by the end most of the people in the room will have said something! These speeches tend to be good-natured and joyfully irreverent. I advise any Englishman invited to a Swedish wedding to willingly take part. Don't be bashful! And don't play the 'I'm-too-cool-for-school' card and politely decline whilst secretly thinking "well, we English can surely refrain from this exuberant but rather unseemly activity...". You'll just come off as a nob! And be prepared for the speeches to take a long time (sometimes 2 hours!). During 'speech-time' you'll have to keep quiet. This means you'll only be using your gob to imbibe plonk. So drink slowly else you'll get rat-arsed before the party's begun! So I hear, ahum...


AFFECTION


There's an innocent affection that Swedes have for their traditions. It's completely unaffected and unconscious. I'm always very touched to witness it. For instance, everyone likes books written by Astrid Lindgren (generations of Swedes have 'grown-up' with Astrid Lindgren and she's a central part of Swedish heritage). If you start talking to a Swede about Astrid Lindgren they often become really enthusiastic and perhaps a touch wistful. The nearest parallel the English have is Roald Dahl. I love Dahl, but I dont think he receives the same kind of veneration in England as Lindgren does here.


KNOWING WHAT IS SWEDISH


Everyone in Sweden is very clear about what is Swedish. They have a lot of national pride yet remain the most liberal and democratically-minded people I've ever met. In England 'nationalism' and 'national pride' are dirty words. Most liberally-minded people seem to think discussing national pride invokes a magic branding-iron that will burn the words 'I am a racist' onto their foreheads! Beyond this political-correctness most people just don't give a toss. National pride is often viewed as thuggish and undesirable, but more importantly, as simply irrelevant and unnecessary. I personally believe that we all need to feel a sense of belonging to something. Most people in England will get this sense of belonging elsewhere. Because, let's face it, when we look at popular English traditions what do we actually have that we can celebrate and feel a part of?

May Day is just a bank holiday and an excuse to get pissed on a Sunday: a mere shadow of the pagan Midsummar festival in Sweden. The whole world does Christmas, so nothing special there. Noone cares about Saint George's Day (only soldiers who want to get trashed). Our national day isn't even a holiday! Easter in England is a shameless chocolate egg promotion (Sweden thankfully hasn't bought into the chocolate). Only a handful of diehards will cook a roast dinner every Sunday. The Swedes believe we still take cream tea, but this is largely a tourist trade in the west country. The pub is the only cultural symbol left with any real power. 

So I have a problem. I'm getting the celebration bug from these Swedes. I'd like to carry it over to England when I go back. But what the hell would I celebrate?! Should I take a day off on Saint George's Day and sit in an empty pub, munching roast dinner and chips whilst singing Jerusalem to myself? I've even started looking through my English diary for inspiration. Let's have a look at today. It's the 2nd of October. Right, got it:

Neil Kinnock elected leader of the Labour party 1983.

Yay? It's Neil Kinnock Day!? Sigh...